At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
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So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*