Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
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[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.