this is the greatest thing ever
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If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Ah..makes sense now
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
that lip filler tho
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.