[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
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BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
In banana years, I am bread.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.