It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
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So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.