“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
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My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER