Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
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*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Okay me first
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.