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Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Finally a use for spoilers…
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
*eats only grass-fed donuts