When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
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I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
These 3D printers are insane!
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Can’t, holding a grudge
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!