The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
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she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant