Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
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“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Never forget.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.