If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
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you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Can’t stop laughing
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later: