Effort made
You Might Also Like
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
I don’t make the rules sorry
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.