You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
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I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”