happy friday
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If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
dads on road-trips be like
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people