My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
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Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
What even happened today?
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
seems like a niche market
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.