If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
You Might Also Like
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.