How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
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Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?