Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
You Might Also Like
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
A ghost story
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you