They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
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$3 #books
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
adding to the discourse
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?