My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
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I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.