Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
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Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”