she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
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Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢