Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
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My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss