Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
You Might Also Like
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
2022 will be better than 2021
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.