Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
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Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.