In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
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👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
screw you
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.