I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
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I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
If you love someone, let them sleep.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING