Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
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I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season