Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
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I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN