BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
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Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side