There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
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Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere