My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.