I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Grandmother clock.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Seems kinda suspicious
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
sry
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.