Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
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Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”