the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
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My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
The answer is funnier than the question
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
😅😅😅
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
How can I say no to this ?
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.