I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
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TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.