Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
We’re all getting idioter.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.