You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
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Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
They’re not wrong
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.