I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
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Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself