me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
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good let them take over I have had enough
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Can’t. Being lazy.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.