Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
You Might Also Like
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl