If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
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Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
one last job
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.