Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
You Might Also Like
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!