Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
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I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.