I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
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Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy