I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
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For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I’m giving up ice.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.