Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
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ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Real House Wines.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
No way!
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away