NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
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The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
My birth announcement for our third baby
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too