ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
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Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”